L-A-M-E

We all know these people:


The ‘24-hour-seven-day-a-week’ couple

People in this type couple of bleed insecurity as they try to become one like "Voltron" from the moment they meet. They will sleep, eat and spend every waking second with each other. They rarely leave the house alone and one is seldom seen eating without the other. They take trips together and never attend social events alone. They will forget about friendships and responsibilities and speak to each other in unintelligible baby talk. These couples should die a gruesome death, but somehow they never do. Typically they marry, move out of state and become religious fanatics that are no longer a part of your life, aside from the annual call inquiring to see if you had found the Lord. If you are currently in one of these relationships and you are reading this, fuck you!

-The Phat Phree

God Bless America

Ahhh The Onion. Giving us classics like this:


Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier'


CRAWFORD, TX—President Bush concluded his summer vacation by holding an informal press conference Monday to address grieving mother Cindy Sheehan, saying "her damn dead son ruined my whole summer vacation."

Bush addressed Mrs. Sheehan, who was not present, by saying "a mother should not have to bury her son this way, by which I mean allowing her son's death to destroy his commander-in-chief's one chance to relax and unwind."

Sheehan, whose son Casey died in Iraq in April 2004, has led a vigil outside of Bush's Crawford ranch since early August, urging the immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq and demanding a meeting with Bush.

"This is a terrible tragedy," Bush said. "If this dead soldier of a son had the ounce of sense he needed to keep his worthless ass alive, my last few weeks might have been peaceful. I mourn the loss of the beautiful August mornings, and the sweet afternoons that could have been spent on the porch swing listening to the songbirds. All Americans mourn this loss."

When asked why he has refused to meet with Mrs. Sheehan, Bush said, "Listen, I came here to relax. I want to fish, go biking with Lance Armstrong, play with my dogs, chainsaw some brush, and get back to nature. 'Course, it's hard to do that when you have to constantly listen to the mother of some dummy who didn't have sense enough to stay out of a damned war zone."

Bush added: "I'm more exhausted today than I was when I started this vacation."

Security concerns stemming from the presence of the anti-war protesters gathered around Sheenan's "Camp Casey" prevented Bush from making public appearances in Crawford, including ordering his annual cheeseburger at Goode Company Barbeque.

"I was really looking forward to that burger," Bush said. "And I could have had it too, if it wasn't for that soldier getting his stupid ass blown off."

"We're supposed to be over there showing the Iraqis how to get it done, not acting just as dumb as they are with all their stupid dying," Bush added. "I tell you, it feels like every other month since I started this job, somebody gets himself killed just to mess up my holiday."

When asked to address recent public suggestions, including Sheehan's, of immediate withdrawal from Iraq in light of mounting casualties, Bush said, "I don't want to think about that now. We can discuss that back in Washington. For now, let's relax and have a good time."

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said Bush's remarks reflect the administration's stance on casualties.

"I think what President Bush is saying is that, while we certainly owe a debt of gratitude to our fine men and women serving abroad, we don't want the real dumb ones who die to interrupt our precious downtime," McClellan said. "It is the president's opinion, and that of the entire administration, that the best way to honor the brave sacrifices of our fallen soldiers is by enjoying a relaxing vacation and not thinking about their deaths."

Nice Work if you can get it

Sometimes my job is really tough- like when I go out to lunch for 2 hours with my co-workers. Man...it's really rough escaping the office for several hours on a Tuesday, and coming back to finish up a day's work in 2 hours or less. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I need a Smoke

Is it wrong that I am getting more pleasure from watching Paula Deen cook brunch than I have from a man in a long while? She is making a white cheese grits casserole, sausage balls, and something else that looks like heartclog heaven. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'll stick to my baby carrots and diet Dr. Pepper. Maybe when I'm 55, ridiculously successful, and married to a man who doesn't care if I get fat, I'll be like Paula. Except that Robert will actually be Paula, doing the cooking- I'll just eat like her.

Lifetime

Every morning before work, Ashley and I watch "Saved by the Bell" (regular, or The College Years- depends), since we don't get local channels. I used to watch the Today show each morning, but apparently, having a small satellite dish prevents us from seeing the stations we actually need to watch in case of emergency.
At any rate, we watch Saved by the Bell, just like we did every Saturday morning in the early 90's, and even have some of the episodes memorized. After SBTB is over, we still have about 5 minutes before we need to leave, so we watch "Mad About You." I always liked "Mad About You"- I think it's funny and quirky. But lately, watching MAY has been making me really excited to move to New York. Like most shows about New York, it was filmed in California (someone please correct me if I'm wrong). But unlike Friends or Everybody Loves Raymond or King of Queens, I really feel like Paul and Jamie live in New York. Their fabulously huge UWS apartment is a bit fictional for an advertising exec. and aspiring film maker, but they take the subway, order Chinese, and have neighbors from the U.K.! Sounds like the Big Apple to me.
OK..so maybe MAY is just as fake as any other New York sitcom, but it sure is making me excited to move. I can't wait to live in a city where everything I need or want is either in my neighborhood or just a train ride away, and public transpotation is reliable.

School Days

I usually don't get too nostalgic for grade school, but hearing a co-worker talk about her soon-to-be-freshman daughter reminded me of my first day of high school.
I wore a mauve and cream-colored floral sundress, with a cream tee shirt underneath, and blue-plaid Vans. I carried my army rucksack, complete with a "Primus" patch, and my hair was crazy and usual...but darker. I was very nervous, but excited. I didn't go to a large school- there were only something like 420 kids total- 98 in my graduating class. (98 graduating in 98- curious.) Anyway, I was more nervous about seeing Ian, my next door neighbor, and all of his cool skater friends. They all knew my older brother, Steve, and I wanted them to think I was cool too. So, that first day, I walked into school, down the long hall way to my home room, and right past Ian & company. Ian said hello, as did a few other boys, and the cute one (Corey) smiled. "Cool Shoes" said Corey. "Thanks!" I think I said thanks, anyway. I don't really remember...I was too busy being elated that upperclassmen spoke to me one my first day of high school.
High school wasn't a bad experience for me, as it was for so many other people. I always loved going shopping for school supplies and preparing my backpack the night before school started. What outfit was I going to wear? In fact, I think I picked out my outfits for the entire first week, every year.
Ahhhh memories. Whatever- I'd still rather be back in college.

Paging Dr. Brothers

"Trying to follow the sex advice is like trying to follow a paraplegic up the stairs: impossible. They give you the "how to please your woman column every month", but dress it up by alternating body parts. File down your calluses so you don’t scrape her nipple. Pretend you are in Australia and go counterclockwise went servicing her female-hood. Lick her behind her ear. Lick her behind her knee. Lick her brown-eye. Fucking cheat codes to Nintendo games were easier! Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, start, motherfucker! Nash makes it simple: Don’t fart when she blows you. Don’t cum in her eye. Don’t punch her in the arm when you are finished and say, “Dude, that was fucking awesome!” And for God’s sake, when you are making out with the holiest of holy, tear that shit up like a junkyard dog! Don’t follow that last one. I really don’t know what to tell you to do. Better consult the Trifecta."

-The Phat Phree (AKA, one of my new favorite blogs)

There is NOTHING on

Why with 7 HBO stations is there NOTHING on? Ashley and I are actually watching Garfield: The Movie right now. Pathetic.

Spam

Hey random spam blog messages- Stop! It's annoying. I know you're not reading my blog...nor do you care about Matt Skiba, so I guess if you are reading this post, quit it!

Alkalinetrioapocalypticfolk

Thanks, Michael, for the Matt Skiba pic! Who says punk rockers don't associate with "dark neofolk" musicians?

I-Pizzle

OK...yes, I own an I-Pod Shuffle, and yes- I'm a fan of the I-Pod, but this is hilarious.

Let's gooooo...Drink some Beers!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a WVU alumna....and damn proud of it. Most people who know me also know that I love to watch WVU football. I'm not really a "sports fan" so to speak- in fact, my sports fandom is basically college football, the occasional Steelers or Ravens game, participating in a March Madnees pool, and going to a baseball game or 2 in the summer. C'est tout.
But there is something about Mountaineer football that is contagious. Going to my first game as a freshman, I really didn't know what to expect. As a member of the marching band in high school, I went to all of the Friday night games and cheered for my team from the stands. The band parents sold the concessions under the bleechers, and all of my friends gathered to cruise boys from the opposing team's school. I liked the social aspect, but I had no idea what a quarterback did or why there was a defense. But once I got to college, that all changed.
During football season, Saturdays were spent being drunk, cheering for the Mounties, sobering up, then going out and getting wasted again- didn't matter if we won or lost. The energy of the fans in the stadium and in the parking lots was incredible. This is LIFE for some people. They spend tons of money on renting parking spaces right in front of the 65,000 person stadium- compelte with R.V., grills, kegs of beer, and enough food to feed the linebackers. We usually opted for the "Kegs and Eggs" parties for the noon games- my friend Brad had a gormet omlette bar set up, along with a keg of Rolling Rock or Pabst, and by 11 AM, I was ready to call it a day. We'd stumble over to the stadium and make our way up to the horrible student section. The band (WVU PRIDE- 370-piece band!) would come on the field, play the National Anthem, Alma Mater, and Country Roads, and the crowd really got going. No one thinks the band is a bunch of nerds at WVU. The band is practically worshipped.
After the show, the game starts. No one actually sits until halftime; that's a little annoying. There is a lot of coaching from the stands, as fumbles, touchdowns, and flags on the plays rack up. By half-time, everyone is about as wasted as they're gonna get. Finally, people sit down for the remainder of the game, but unless something really exciting was happening, I usually left around the 4th quarter. Time to go home and sleep it off before the night's festivities!
I took this little trip down memory lane because I visited Morgantown, WV this past weekend. See all the new students, nervous and excited about the upcoming year made me a little sad. I also got a little sad when I realized several of my old haunts are now burned down and/or replaced by parking lots and sub shops. But I still remember how everything looked when I was 18 and green- I'll never forget those days.

True Love

This is the best way to find out the future of your relationship.

Douchebag

Hysterical.


Dear God, PLEASE no. Please don't let me date one of these...EVER.

Skinny Minny

Wow, Jack Osbourne, congrats on losing all that weight! Sounds like you really have it together...


"I feel really good, but I've never felt as physically tired."


Uhhh...wha? I know when I lost the bulk of my weight I was really tired, practically narcoleptic, but I felt great!!!!! Oh..wait...no that's not right.

For Dan

Since Dan messaged me this morning saying, "You haven't blogged for like 4 days..what the hell?!!?!?", this post is for him. If you don't already listen to the Mars Volta, you should. Read all about the Baltimore drummer here:

http://www.citypaper.com/music/story.asp?id=10417

(See, Dan? A drummer, like you, from Baltimore, like you. Well...you're not from Baltimore, but Naptizzle is close enough.)

Bobby Baby

I really have nothing fun to say, but Robert has been bugging me to blog something so here it is:

*Orbit has a new gum flavor out- 'Sweet Mint'. It's really good...it tastes like a butter mint candy. You know those mint green disc-shaped candies you can melt? I think you buy them in the baking section. Anyway..that's what it tastes like- yum.

*Also, at lunch today, we talked about desserts...which sucked because I didn't have any dessert. My mouth is still watering...

*I hate it when people walk in my "blind spot". It's bad enough to have someone walking so close to you that they nearly nip your heels, but the blind spot is just as bad. It's just like driving! PASS ME, I want to scream. It's irritating.

*I'm waiting for several emails to be returned, and true to form, I'm compulsivley checking my gmail account every 15 minutes to see if any have responded. But nope..stilllll waiting. And if any of you reading this haven't responded to an email from me in a long while- you know who you are- DO IT. Clearly I'm bored.

*That's all.

For Terry

Terry- the coolest collar-popper I know! This one's for you...

The debate about collars is especially fierce among the college crowd. There are a lot of passionate college paper editorials weighing in on the look, and even a number of university groups dedicated to hating upturned collars. I can't remember exactly what I debated in college, but I like to think it was of more consequence than collar positioning. Save the fluff for adulthood. And this animosity from college students doesn't make sense: If anyone can get away with turned-up collars, they can. It's one of those things that are far easier to pull off during college than afterward—like smoking, bisexuality, and a messiah complex.
Its meanings aren't simple. The look can signal conservative or gay, modern gentry or deconstruction worker. Or nothing. It frames the face in a way that is flattering but essentially vampiric. The look isn't confined to one demographic; it seems to be as prevalent in Chinatown and pizza parlors as it is in Madison Square Park or the No. 6 train as it moves through the Upper East Side.
Not everyone is doing it. Not even a majority. Maybe one in 15. But this is enough to affect the scene. When this many collars are up, it changes the meaning of the collars that are down, because then they're not only down but they're decidedly not up. As when there is silence in a place used to chaos, like a stadium, that silence is charged—it's a reaction, whether it wants to be or not.

I Swear I'm not an Idiot

Dan: peanut butter granola bar mmmm
Me: yum anything peanut butter. i would probably eat pb on cardborad
err..cardboard
Dan: yes... i've done that
it sucks
Me: hahhaha you have not
Dan: no dumbass
it was a joke
Me: hahahahah
i believed you
hahaha
then i was like
why wouldn't he just eat the pb alone?
Dan:haha
hahahahaaha
Me: lord

In Keeping with the Driving Theme...

Illinois State Troopers

GOOD -- A Bloomington, IL policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old
boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
lemonade!)


BETTER -- A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in
Peoria, IL. . a $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture
of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


BEST -- A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Illinois State Trooper walked to her car
window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State
Troopers Ball. He replied, "Illinois State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Holla!

I hear this...

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules.... "Hold on & pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that. All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end. The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

Ghettofashionless

Ahh...the beloved tee-shirt dress. A summertime mystery to the central Baltimore population. And by central Baltimore, I mean me and my friends...we don't stray too far east or west.

From the citypaper:

“The culture of the customer is so everyone will look the same,” says Stuart Silberman, vice president of marketing at Changes, a nine-store chain of urban menswear stores based in Baltimore that has been stocking tall tees since 2002. “If the cops are looking for a suspect, [he’s invariably wearing a] long white T-shirt with long shorts. So they can’t be identified. That was the real reason it all started.”

Read the rest of the article here-
http://www.citypaper.com/news/story.asp?id=10381

Centerfolds

This basically sums up the weekend. Oh, and we went tubing in West byGod Virginia too.

Roger, Over and Out

I can't stand walkie-talkie cell phones...I mean really can't stand them. I have no interest in hearing both sides of a phone conversation. In fact, I don't even want to hear one side of it, but when the person in front of or behind you in the grocery store line is chatting away, it's hard to not eavesdrop. It's not bad enough that said annoying talker is holding up the check-out line because he/she MUST continue an ever important conversation instead of paying attention to the cashier when asked for a method of payment. But with the walkie-talkie phone, both sides of the conversation are audible, and unignorable. And I think being generally annoying and inconsiderate goes with the walkie-talkie territory. So, all you W-T phone users out there- STOP. Unless you are working in a factory or on a large construction site, there is not need to walkie-talkie. It's irrtating, terribly lazy, and lame.

Playboy Pool Party

Tonight, the gays, Ashley, and I are headed to Philadelphia for a grotto-style Hephner pool-side bash. Robert and Michael are wearing speedos, and I will be sporting heels and a chiffon wrap. It should be fun for all. Our dear friend Frank, the host of this evening's debauchery, included the following blurb in his directions. I can't wait to see who is in attendance- I hear the Duke of Earl is to make an appearance!

Everyone misses this turn.  So, after you pass the shopping center, then the first road (Griffith) and start to go around a little bend, common sense should kick in and you should slow down.  Directly across from Mill Road on the right is a fairly new and definitely ugly Lutheran Church.  (You might want to stop in for a visit.)  Make a LEFT onto Mill Road.
****** Just because the houses on the early part of the street are 'quaint' does not mean our neighbors are white trash.  We only hear the screams of domestic violence occasionally.

Birfday Fun

Enjoy some drinking time pictures from Ratface's birthday extravaganzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

M.R.S. Degree

I work with a group of fabulous ladies...all of whom are married, or have been married, and all of whom have children. Needless to say, I am the young one of the office. I hear many-a-story about husbands, kids, school, menopause, giving birth, and "life before marriage". All of my co-workers married young, either right out of high school or college. At 25 (my age), they were all wedded up, some with children and some without. This blows my mind. I barely claim responsability for myself, let alone a child. I don't even have any pets. And while I'm toally 100% pro-marriage, I also can't imagine being hitched at 25. 28, yes...but not 25.
At any rate, amid all the complaining and praising of husbands and children and life, I've been given some decent advice. Sometimes that advice is comprised of which grocery store has the best sale on paper towels, and sometimes that advice is on which vibrator works best. Yup.
But today, while listening to one lady complain about her husband's lazy ways, I made some decisions. Rather than just sitting there and nodding while I think of what websites I'm going to cruise after lunch, I listened and took mental notes. She, my co-worker, claims that her husband is "no better than her kids." He takes off his clothing and leaves it where it falls, he eats lunch and leaves the dirty plate on the counter, he takes a shower and leaves the dirty towel on the floor. Then, after asking him several times to complete a simple task like carry the dirty laundry basket to the basement, he doesn't do it. Not only does he not do it, but when she asks him a 3rd time, he gets smart with her and tells her he's "waiting for the perfect time" to cart the laundry downtstairs. BUH WHAT?! Are you kidding me? (This is what I thought to myself.) So she sits there, continuing to tell us about her deadbeat partner, who apparently makes up for his 2 months of doing NOTHING, by cleaning the bedroom once in a blue moon.
So that did it. I decided to make a mental list of things I will not put up with when I get married. Which I hope is some day. Before I'm 35. 0r 32. Or 30. Gah!
This list includes, but is not limited to:
- I will not always wash dishes. I like to cook, so I'll probably do most of the cooking. Unless I marry a chef, but seeing as how my last relationship with a chef turned out, I highly doubt that will happen. Apparently I have road rage.
- I will not always do all laundry. You can wash your own clothes from time to time.
- I will not pick up your shit that has been sitting in said location for several days. Actually, I probably will since it will drive me to the nuthouse, but I'll be a bitch about it.
- I will not clean your pee off of the toilet seat. That's nasty.

These are just a few things on the mental list. I think marriage is a union- a partnership. Maybe I'm more equally minded than some of my co-workers, but you better believe I'll be taking the car for a test drive before I say my vows. You can't change a man...THAT much I know.

Happy Birfday

Today is Ashley's 22nd birthday, so happy birthday ashie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm such an asshole..I fogot to tell her happy birthday this morning...and we live together! So I called her as soon as I got to work. Apparently, the loud, animated e-card she had just opened was heard by some co-workers. Oops...so much for not using the internet at work!

Must be Nice

Some people will do ANYTHING to get out of working. Even if the job is cushy, flexible, and basically free money. This is the case with a particular co-worker of mine. This woman has worked in this office for 25 years...OK, she's put her time in. But apparently, that means she can work (or not work) any time she wants, take 125 vacation days a year, conduct all of her personal business at work instead of at home, and (now, that latest) leave work at the drop of a hat. She just informed me that she would be leaving work now, at 11:00 AM when she just arrived an hour after the rest of us at 9:30 AM, because a friend of hers is sick. Yes, that's right. She must fly to Tennessee to retrieve her son from her sick friend, and then fly onto Florida, where she will spend the next 2 weeks at her fabulous vacation home. I guess flying from Baltimore to Florida tonight meant that she would have to be in the office for more than 7 hours this week, so instead, she's shelling out extra cash to go from Brawltimore, to Tenn, onto Fla. That must be so annoying! God..I would hate having enough money to be able to fly anywhere at anytime. And I would really hate having a vacation home in Florida. Some people really have to struggle...

MMMM Steak

Danno: what did you make for dinner?
Me: vegetarian lasagna
Danno: are you a vegetarian??
Me: NOOO
Danno: Yeah..."would you like some tofu?" "no, i'm set. i had a handful of grass for lunch."

OCD

Why do we obsessively check our email? Is it because we think some major job offer is going to roll in? Or a long lost friend or lover is suddenly going to reappear and shoot you an email? Or is because we are bored at work and need a distraction? I think choice C.
For me, though, it's a combination of all 3. I've been fortunate enough to get 2 gigs in the last few weeks, via email notification, from the same person. Granted, these gigs aren't 2 days away (one is in Oct. and the other next April), but now that I know my point of contact can reach me through gmail, I check it every 1/2 hour. I've also recently received random emails from friends who were otherwise dead to me, and even though I've heard nothing since my last response, I still check my hotmail...every 1/2 hour. And, of course, I get bored at work. Even though I have plenty to keep me busy. So I check my gmail and hotmail...every 1/2 hour....or 20 minutes...depending on what I'm expecting.
I guess I should get back to Excel....but I'll check my email first. Maybe something has changed in the last 15 minutes.

Dooced

Let's hope this doesn't happen to any of us!!


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/4115073.stm