The Unethicist strikes again

Seriously- besides the Stalker map, this is my favorite thing from Gawker.


A dear friend died recently and unexpectedly. I asked his widow if he had been ill and received an evasive answer and a sense that she was hiding something. It is unsettling not to know how my old friend died. Would it be wrong to check his death certificate -- it is a public record -- or would that be an invasion of privacy? name withheld, Los Angeles

Since everything is obviously your business, I'm sure you already know that I had a minor case of eczema in high school. I have three fake teeth, two of which were broken out in an ice skating accident, one in a car accident. You know, of course, that I have had a root canal, and two wisdom teeth removed. I've got a couple of scars on my left elbow from falling off my bike in college, a scar on my face from getting kicked in the eye by a 6'4" third-degree black belt, and recently suffered from a disgusting case of epiglottitis, which a series of antibiotics was able to clear up. I've been to the emergency room twice in the past six months alone, which I'm sure the private detective you hired to secure my medical records has already told you.

You should definitely find out how your friend died by checking his death certificate. That will bring you not only peace of mind, but an amazing opportunity to torture his bitch of a widow who is too much of a selfish asshole to recognize the dire importance of your nosey questions. Sure, you clearly haven't been in touch with this "friend" for so long that you don't know WHETHER OR NOT HE DIED FROM A PROLONGED ILLNESS, but that doesn't mean that you guys cutting class to smoke clove cigarettes behind a dumpster in high school doesn't entitle you to know every little fucking thing. So, time to get even. Here are a few scenarios I've worked out for you, depending on what you find out.

CANCER: if your friend died of cancer, shave your head and go on a liquid diet so you lose a ton of weight, and wear some of your dead friend's old clothing. Go to the widow's house on their anniversary. When she sees you and is reminded of her dead husband and begins to cry, put a frail hand on her shoulder and softly whisper, "Your evasiveness is what killed me."

PARKINSON'S DISEASE: if your friend died of Parkinson's Disease, pester his widow to send letters to her congressional representatives to defeat stem cell research. When she gently suggests that stem cell research might be the key to finding a cure for diseases that wreak horrible havoc on the families and loved ones of those who suffer from them, tell her that Jesus hates her. When she tries to hang up the phone, tell her that people don't die from Parkinson's Disease, they die from being trapped in horrible marriages.

AIDS: Okay, seriously, can you define "dear friend" that you don't hear about this shit?