Tod und Verzweiflung
Every couple of months, I have a dream (or a nightmare) that I'm backstage, ready to perform, yet I have no idea what I'm about to sing. I'm either sick, ill-prepared, ready to sing an entirely different role, or not yet in costume/not warmed up. And somehow, this dream almost always involves The Queen of the Night. I'm assuming that's because the Queen is the only role I've ever performed for which I felt I was not right. I also happen to hate the role, but that's probably beside the point. Also, I'm not a huge fan of the Magic Flute. But I digress.
Last night I had one of my dreams- only this time, I was almost killed. This time, I was headed on stage to sing Die Holle Rache, but had never rehearsed it with the orchestra, nor staged it. When I told the stage manager that I had no idea what I was about to do, he said, "You've done the role- just do what you think is best." So, I went on stage and sang the aria much like I would in an audition. And since (in the dream) I was sick, it sounded like shit. Kind of like when I sang the role at WVU with bronchitis. Ahhh memories.
After I finished the aria, I went over to the side of the stage where the chorus was seated. All of the sudden, we weren't singing Flute anymore. I immediately noticed, in the chorus, an ex friend of mine from years ago. She took one look at me, and pushed me into the pit. I screamed, and caught myself on the stage, pulled myself up, and started to freak out. The entire cast glared at me, I missed my entrance, and that was it. After I ran off stage and into the dressing room, sobbing, I noticed that everyone was mad at ME for nearly dying in the pit. Forget the fact that the psycho who pushed me was still following me around, threatening me. Even James (yes, of NYCO fame), was there. He just looked at me with a disappointed face, and said, "I'm sorry, Hils."
So, what does this mean? Well, being that is essentially a recurring dream, I've come to realize it's stress-related. What exactly is causing the stress? I don't know. But apparently this is how my mind deals with it- by conguring up horrible images that I must view in my sleep. I supposed it could be worse. I suppose I could be dreaming of death and destruction. But for a performer, does it get much worse than completely failing?
Last night I had one of my dreams- only this time, I was almost killed. This time, I was headed on stage to sing Die Holle Rache, but had never rehearsed it with the orchestra, nor staged it. When I told the stage manager that I had no idea what I was about to do, he said, "You've done the role- just do what you think is best." So, I went on stage and sang the aria much like I would in an audition. And since (in the dream) I was sick, it sounded like shit. Kind of like when I sang the role at WVU with bronchitis. Ahhh memories.
After I finished the aria, I went over to the side of the stage where the chorus was seated. All of the sudden, we weren't singing Flute anymore. I immediately noticed, in the chorus, an ex friend of mine from years ago. She took one look at me, and pushed me into the pit. I screamed, and caught myself on the stage, pulled myself up, and started to freak out. The entire cast glared at me, I missed my entrance, and that was it. After I ran off stage and into the dressing room, sobbing, I noticed that everyone was mad at ME for nearly dying in the pit. Forget the fact that the psycho who pushed me was still following me around, threatening me. Even James (yes, of NYCO fame), was there. He just looked at me with a disappointed face, and said, "I'm sorry, Hils."
So, what does this mean? Well, being that is essentially a recurring dream, I've come to realize it's stress-related. What exactly is causing the stress? I don't know. But apparently this is how my mind deals with it- by conguring up horrible images that I must view in my sleep. I supposed it could be worse. I suppose I could be dreaming of death and destruction. But for a performer, does it get much worse than completely failing?
posted by Hilary at
8:28 AM
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